Gone before farewell.

I sat at the passenger seat quietly, staring out the car window.
Rubbed my chest off the sharp pain that I’ve felt since last night.
My whole body ached.Probably because of the extra exercises I did for the past few days. It was a sunny day, yet cloudy and solemn inside of me.
Everyone in the car spoke no words. Silence and grieve filled the atmosphere inside the car.

We were on our way to the Islamic cemetery in Taman Keramat.
A member of our family had passed away earlier this morning.

Troot troot, mum’s phone rang.
*Click.
. . . . . . .
“MakNgah said she passed away while she was in her night prayers this morning.Subhanallah.”
Mum’s tears continued to pour.

Subhanallah. May ALLAH grant her heaven and keep her in peace together with the syuhadaa.
She had a good death. Husnul Khotimah.
What about me later?
My turn .. will it be during my prayers too?
Suddenly my mind was intense with all the ‘what ifs’.

What if the angel came while I was procrastinating prayers?
Or what if I was in the cinema with my boyfriend?

What if I was laughing and giggling with my friends at the mall?
Or what if I hurt my mum’s feelings and before I could apologize, I die then and there?

And..
What if……. I was too blown away with this worldly life, enjoying my life to the maximum and ‘taubat’ was in the list of ‘things to do during my free time’,
and without notice death came to visit me before I could even istighfar for the sins I have done …

Would I ever be a part of the people of heaven?
Will I ever get to taste the pleasure of it?
Would I ever get the chance to meet ALLAh, let alone the Prophet SAW??
Would I ever get the chance to be with Saydatina Khadijah? Abu Bakar As-Siddiq? Umar AlKhattab? The Prophet Yusuf?

Another question occurred.
Could I bare the Jahannam??
If no, then why am I putting my life at stake by purposely doing all the maksiat, and thinking that I still have a lot of time to taubat.

Why??
Didn’t I know that death comes without warning?

*****
The car stopped. I saw a crowd of people wearing white.
Some were crying, some were just staring at the ground.
and some were reciting Yasin.
As we approached the crowd, Makngah grabbed hold and hugged my mum,
my cousin hugged my sister.
I avoided and took another step forward to look into the hole,
dad and another three men were putting down the body inside the hole.
I saw dad wiping his tears and his face red.
As the body was put down,
I tried to look for her face and I saw her…..

That was when I stopped and stared,
tears running down my cheeks…
My leg suddenly felt numb and I fell to the ground.
It was too hard for me to accept.
Reality strikes,
she was. . . . . ME.

My body ached and I remembered the last thing I did
before I felt the excruciating torture, pain of death.
I was asking Allah to save me a place in Jannatul Firdaws and let me be the angel to wait for my parents in heaven..
. . . May ALLAH answer my prayers.

****
O ALLAH.. I seek your shelter and your guidance. Don’t ever let me go astray without you guiding me through this life's maze.

- - - - - - -
Kita takda masa nak meLeka dan meLagho.
Anisah Ali.